Diverse Personalities You Will Find at a Driving Range
Many people may feel at home on the range, but they probably will not see any deer or antelope playing. Of course, we are talking about the driving range. Golf enthusiasts use the driving range to practice their long shots; however, a lot of players you see are just venting frustrations. If you are a frequent guest at your local range, you will probably see all sorts of interesting characters. No matter where you go, you will find a lot of zany golfers who fit into these hilarious categories:
The Uptight Professionals
They may be male or female and you can spot them a mile away. Uptight Business Professionals are geared toward success in the business world and they demand the same results on the range. They are usually in their late 20s or 30s and play to relieve stress. They may or may not be very good golf players; however, they take themselves quite seriously. You will usually see them before business hours or perhaps during lunch time, dressed in freshly ironed sports outfits. They will often take breaks to talk on their cell phones or check email on their tablets. Their posture is as stiff as their driving club. They usually are engrossed in their shots and deeply resent any distractions.
A subspecies of the Uptight Professional is the Hot Head. For all their snobbery, they are the first to cuss a blue streak if they make a bad shot. You will see them stomp their $100 designer hats and throw their name brand drivers if they are having a bad day. Almost never is a Hot Head a female. The greatest nemesis of any Uptight Professional is the Golf Clown.
The Golf Clown
Laugh, clown, laugh! This character is just about always a man and his funny bone is often fueled by booze. He may often be smoking a cheap stogie and will keep the smoke going in his neighboring players’ direction. He is the guy who misses 95% percent of his swings and really does not care. He is just on the range to have fun. When the Golf Clown does finally hit the ball, he often takes the tee and part of the turf with it.
Whether he is a younger or older guy, he will be dressed in ill-fitting clothes that are just as ridiculous as his antics. (Picture the late John Candy). The Golf Clown is never short of bawdy jokes or obnoxious laughter, especially when more serious players are trying to practice. He gets great amusement by yelling “swing!” right when another player is making a shot. This loony loser also isn’t above belching or farting in the company of other players. He is a general nuisance to all types of players. He especially loves to enrage an Uptight Professional. If you get between two of these types, find another spot. Please note: On the very rare occasion that the Golf Clown is a woman, you may be practicing with Roseanne Barr. Be sure to get her autograph.
Grandpa and Grandma Golfers
Think of a match between the old man who advertised lemon aid and Marie Calendar and you have the Golfer Grandparents. They are usually in their late 60s and older and come to the range on days they are not in canasta tournaments. They are often dressed alike in bright patterns and classic golf clothing. They are seen in whole flocks in Floridian ranges.
There are several varieties of the Grandpa and Grandma Golfers. Some are like senior love birds while others should have the last name of Bickerson (Think Ray Romano’s parents). Whatever you do, remember that asking them, “How are you today?” may end up being a two-hour conversation. Be ready to look at endless pictures of several generations of their family. They usually carry their picture albums to all outings. They will be happy to tell you about their latest bunion surgery or how regular their bowels are. As a general rule, these types play fairly well on the range (when they are not chatting others up). If you are fortunate, there will be more than one bathroom on the grounds.
Damsel In Distress
Practicing on a range is pretty self-explanatory. You put a little peg in the ground, set a golf ball on top, and hit it as far as you can with the golf club. Simple—right? In the usual character line-up among the players, there is always that one lady who doesn’t get it. The Damsel in Distress can be very aggravating, because she is constantly asking questions. She can be of any age and from any background. As a rule, the younger and prettier they are, the more tolerant the male golfers are. It is not unusual for the younger Damsel in Distress to be dressed a little more provocatively than she should. Of course, this causes friction for husbands and wives who are practicing together. Nothing like the green-eyed monster on the greens! If the Damsel In Distress is an older woman, she will usually be the Mrs. Roper type and will be trying to practice swings in a mu-mu. Either way, the Damsel In Distress is there for something—and it’s not perfecting her game.
The Humpty-Dumpty is a male counterpart to the Damsel in Distress, except that he truly wants to play golf and is just clueless. The Humpty-Dumpty is usually a frumpy, overweight guy who wants lessons from everyone and can be prone to bad luck on the driving range. He would be the one not to yell, “Fore!” on a regular golf course and someone gets knocked out with his ball. He often tries to buddy-up with the Uptight Professional, much to the former’s chagrin. Humpty-Dumpties are usually middle age guys who probably still live with their mothers. Stay away from them when they swing, because they are prone to accidentally let go of their drivers. Golf Clowns are often Humpty-Dumpties, too.
The range turns into a regular Animal House when teenagers are practicing. If they are girls, you will hear a lot of giggling and whispering. They usually are dressed in cute little outfits that aren’t even made for golfing. Even in this group, there can be some girls training to be future Damsels in Distress. They are not actually there to practice their swing. They are there to flirt with the male Teenage Golfers.
While the male teenage golfers are there to flirt with the opposite sex too, they will take their game a little more seriously. After all, they are trying to impress the girls. These guys are full of hormones and can be make the practice very competitive. Of course, there can be juvenile Class Clowns and Humpty Dumpties in this group. There can also be a couple of Uptight Professionals. If he is dressed in classic pastel golf clothes with monogrammed drivers, his golf balls may be swinging in a different direction.
The Driving Duo
Sometimes, going out on the range is a team effort. You will often see friends from work coming out just to swing out some stress and have some buddy time. The Driving Duos can have any combination of garden-variety personality types. They can be an any age group. It just depends on which type you get as to how they fare on the field. Uptight Professional Duos usually keep to themselves and the Grandparents are a duo of their own kind. It is the other mixtures that can drive you nuts while you are practicing.
In the true tradition of Dumb and Dumber, male Driving Duos usually go overboard. In the unfortunate event that they are Golf Clowns, you might as well pack up your gear. However, it may be fun to watch them harass the Uptight Professionals. You can also see Duos of Humpty Dumpties or one of each. Either way, everyone’s game is gone to go south. If you see a Driving Duo who brought their Chihuahua in a matching outfit, just be happy for them.
Female Driving Duos are much less of a challenge than their male counterparts. While one may be a Damsel in Distress, the other one usually knows what she is doing. It is sort of like a Laverne and Shirley. The Damsel may dress her part while her friend is just in normal gym clothes. They are usually there to practice and won’t bother anyone. Should they both be Damsels in Distress, you better believe that they are there to see and to be seen.
While there may be other types of people who practice on the range, the majority of them are a sub-category of one of these archetypes. Whether you practice in the back of the YMCA or in an exclusive country club, you are bound to find one of these characters. If you look hard enough at the characteristics, you may find yourself.